


Safe Haven

by Tuanheaven



Category: GOT7
Genre: Car Accidents, M/M, Mark being whiny, Maybe eventual smut?, slight angst at the beginning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-10-23 02:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10710486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuanheaven/pseuds/Tuanheaven
Summary: Mark was stuck in an unrequited love. He had been in love for so many years unable to voice out his feelings, that he doesn't know how to live differently.“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma





	1. Chapter 1

Mark was standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his first love to walk towards him. He was smiling so brightly, anyone could see he shared Jackson’s happiness. When the time came, Jackson walked down the aisle looking so ethereal as if he came from a dream. His warm beautiful eyes were shining with so much happiness, as he walked towards Mark. Time seemed to slow down. Although, there were many people around them, looking at them, Mark still felt as though they were in a world of our own. Where the only ones that existed, was just the two of them. Mark watched as Jackson walked down the white silk cloth covered aisle with red roses sprinkled on top. The row of white beautiful rose bouquets lining the both sides of the aisle -where the seats were located- served as a beautiful background to the movie-like-scene. Everyone's eyes were on Jackson. His smooth up-styled black hair glistened in the sunlight. His black suit fitted perfectly to his sturdy body. His skin seemed to glow. He looked absolutely stunning.   
 

All the times they spent together flashed through Mark's mind. The times Jackson held Mark when he was at the breaking point. The times Mark nursed Jackson back to health when he was sick. Mark loved Jackson so much he could hardly bear it. 

Jackson reached in front of Mark and smiled fondly, although a bit nervously. The smile was easily the happiest smile Mark had ever seen on his face. Jackson looked absolutely mesmerizing. Mark smiled back at him. Assuring him and calming him down. Mark, for the last time, looked deep into Jackson’s eyes trying to desperately print Jackson’s face full of happiness in his mind before Jackson turned around to face the guests. Mark gazed at his back with a sad smile. He was so near yet so far. Never had Mark imagined that today would come so soon.

Suddenly the familiar sound of organ filled the beautiful church. Mark could feel the tension in the air, as the moment everyone was waiting for came. The big wooden doors opened, sound echoing in the vast hall and the beautiful bride stepped in. She walked down the aisle with a sparkle in her eyes. With a knowledge that she would be spending the rest of her life with the man of her dreams. Mark could see why Jackson loved her so much. She was perfect. She reached the altar and halted to a stop beside Jackson, smiling like today was the day all her dreams came true. Which was probably true. Mark's heart clenched at the sight but his smile only widened. He tried to be happy for Jackson. After all his happiness was all Mark ever wished for.

The wedding ceremony went by quickly. Soon it was already time to exchange rings, which was Mark's cue to step in. Mark took a step forward and handed Jackson his ring as the maid of honor did the same with the bride. As Mark handed the ring, he held Jackson's hands in his own fleetingly before he quickly let go. Jackson smiled wide, then turned around to face his beautiful bride. They exchanged rings when the pastor gave them the permission to kiss, they sweetly kissed sealing the deal of their happiness. Mark clapped hard and cheered louder than anyone else, as was expected of the Best-man. He watched them hug happily, whilst being flooded with memories of the feeling of Jackson's arms around him. Now it would never be the same again. Jackson now belonged to someone else. Not that Jackson was ever was his to begin with.

He rushed after the married couple while whistling as they walked happily with the guests to the dinner hall. It was time to eat and cut the cake. 

  
Inside the beautifully decorated dining hall, Mark directed guests to their designated seats. "This way sir. Your seats are over here." Smiling, he politely showed Jackson's grand uncle and his wife their seats then politely bowed and continued to show the other guests their tables. When everyone had found their seats, he signaled to the waiters to serve the food. Then rushed back to the dining hall to check if everything was alright. 

Mark leaned against the wall at the corner of the dull lighted dining hall. Everything was perfect. He sighed. The things he did for Jackson. He watched as Jackson ate happily with his newly wed wife. They looked cute together, feeding each other. They were radiating happiness around them. They didn't even seem to notice the world outside of their own. Mark smiled slightly. It was all worth it. Just seeing Jackson smile washed away all of the hardships he'd put into the wedding. For Jackson, he would do anything.

Mark was kind of in charge of this whole wedding so the bride wouldn't have too much stress. The bride had told him what she wanted and he made it all happen. Like a good best friend and best man he was.

Mark glanced down at his wristwatch. It was time to cut the cake. The sight of the gigantic cake, as it was brought in, made everyone gasp. Jackson rose from his seat and helped his bride up too. They walked to the cake together and holding hands, they cut the cake. Flashes of cameras were everywhere. People were clamoring. But they didn't seem to notice, instead, the bride wiped whipped cream on her finger and quickly dirtied Jackson's nose with it. Everyone laughed at the cute act. The bride happily high-fived her maid of honor before helping Jackson wipe off the cream. When she was concentrating on Jackson's nose, Jackson sneakily dipped his finger in the cake and quickly wiped the cream on his finger on the bride's face. They both laughed at the sudden attack. The bride playfully hit Jackson's arm while Jackson looked at her lovingly and kissed away the remaining dot of cream off her face. Everyone cheered at the act. They were too adorable.

As the majority of the guest had finished the cake, Mark went over to the person in charge of the lights and told him it was time. The light in the hall dimmed. It was the cue for the band to start playing. Suddenly the spotlight went on the platform where the band was playing and Khalil Fong stepped into view singing 'Nothing's gonna change my love for you'. Another spotlight went to where Jackson and his bride were sitting, stunned. They looked each other in the eyes mouths wide open. Jackson was the first to come back on earth. He stood up and with a small bow he offered his hand invitingly to his bride. The bride gladly took his hand and together they went on to the dance floor in the middle of the hall, spotlight following their steps. They began to dance romantically to the music. Mark smiled. It worked out well. Khalil Fong was a Chinese artist whom Jackson's bride adored. It was hard getting him here but it was worth it.

Mark walked closer so that he could see better. Jackson looked like he was searching for something while dancing. Mark looked around wondering what Jackson was searching for. Then their eyes met. Jackson smiled at Mark gratefully and mouthed 'Thank you'. Mark laughed and shook his head as an 'It was nothing'. Jackson then looked away and rested his head against his gorgeous wife's. His lips were near her ear moving to the lyrics of the song.

 

'Nothing's gonna change my love for you. You ought to know by now how much I love you. One thing you can be sure of I'll never ask for more than your love. Nothing's gonna change my love for you. You ought to know by now how much I love you. The world may change my whole life through, but nothing's gonna change my love for you.'

 

As the song ended everyone burst out into cheers and claps. Jackson and his bride hugged each other tightly before pulling apart. She was wiping her tears away. Mark smiled at the success. The wedding was coming to an end and it was perfect. Finally, now he had time to breath. It was over.

"Thank you, everyone, for the cheers. I'd like to congratulate you, the bride and the groom for your wedding! This song was for you. The next song is for all the lovers out there. Come on! Come to the dance floor! I'm Khalil Fong and this is my cover on Bruno Mars' 'Marry you'"

People happily rushed on the dance floor while Mark walked to his seat. He couldn't believe this day would come so soon. The day Jackson didn't need him anymore. He thought it was enough watching Jackson being happy with someone else. But he was wrong. He was human after all. The more time passed by, the greedier he became.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------

  

 

Mark was sitting on a bus. Looking out the window watching the ever changing view without really seeing anything. He was listening to his favorite songs without really hearing anything. He felt like he had lost the reason to live. 

After the wedding, Jackson and his newly wed wife went straight on their honeymoon. Before they left, they had thanked Mark so many times for the wedding. Mark had only smiled and congratulated them. They looked so happy Mark couldn't help but to find them suiting each other perfectly.

He leaned his forehead against the window.

Everything reminded Mark of him. No matter what Mark did, no matter what he tried, Jackson wouldn't leave his mind. His heart. Mark felt such sadness, such agony day after day, it was starting to feel normal. Why did he have to be the only one hurting? Why did he have to be the only one hoping for something impossible? He felt like crying every single day. He felt so weak feeling like this. He felt tired. He felt exhausted. But now he had gotten used to it. Now he didn't need to have Jackson's love anymore. Now Mark was almost content with a thought of seeing Jackson every day. His heart still ached but he knew Jackson's heart belonged to someone else now. A thing like him was not worthy of love.

It started to rain outside the bus. The raindrops slid down against the window. He smiled bitterly, looks like the sky was feeling the way he was.

He drew random patterns on the foggy window. He missed Jackson so much it hurt. He took a deep breath in. Was Jackson missing him too? Probably not... Why would Jackson miss him? He hoped Jackson would spare a few thoughts for him. That wasn't too much to ask, was it? He wondered If he moved on from Jackson, would Jackson notice the difference? If he was happy with someone else would Jackson be happy for him? Or would Jackson be sad? If he wasn't happy would Jackson notice? He highly doubted. Jackson doesn't care about him that way. He didn't even know how Mark felt. And Mark was the only one to blame for that.

It was dark now and the bus was reaching a bridge.

Mark smirked at his own stupidity. How can Mark move on when only the thought of his name alone cuts Mark? He closed his eyes tightly. Had he forgotten why he was on this stupid trip? He opened his eyes again with determination. Mark was letting him go. Mark was trying to leave him so Mark could move on. So Mark wouldn't be clinging to him so annoyingly. Mark had made a promise with himself when he first realized Jackson couldn't be his. He had promised to stay by Jackson's side until the day Jackson didn't need him anymore. Then leave. Mark will learn to live without him. Mark will find a new reason to live for. This wasn't the first time he was attempting to leave Jackson.  He would always somehow find his way back to Jackson. And deep inside him, he knew he would be back again but for now to ease the pain, he wanted to believe in a hope that one day he would see Jackson, the way Jackson saw him. As a friend. Just another friend.

There was also a time he wanted to hate Jackson for unknowingly hurting him. Mark wanted to hate him so badly. Rather than being pathetically in love with no reciprocation, Mark would rather hate him. That was the first time he tried to leave Jackson so he could hate him. Only to find himself back by Jackson's side a week later. He couldn't leave Jackson with regrets. He loved Jackson too damn much. But now he knew, he could never let Jackson go without any regrets. Even now Mark missed his smile. Mark selfishly longed to be in his arms. Mark hated this part of himself so much he sometimes wished he could die.

The worst part of all of this was that he knew Jackson cared about him. Mark was quite the actor. Jackson didn't know Mark was hurting. If Jackson knew it would have hurt him too. Mark would have preferred if Jackson didn't give a damn about him. It would've made this so much easier. He knew if he left for good Jackson would be sad. In Jackson's heart in some way, Mark was very dear to him. Mark was like a brother Jackson never had. It broke Mark's heart to see Jackson being so caring towards him, not knowing about the disgusting feelings Mark harbored towards him in exchange for his pure ones. Mark felt like he was deceiving Jackson.

 

_'Mark, take care of yourself okay? You know you are precious to me, right?'_

Mark felt a tear roll down his cheek. Jackson's voice still echoing in his ears. It broke Mark's heart. He thought he didn't have any more tears to shed. He guessed, he was wrong. Silently he let his tears fall.

 _'Please don't be so kind to me so I can forget. Please don't make this any harder to me than it already is. Even right now I could hardly bear it. Please... Let me forget. '_ He begged to Jackson in his mind.

Suddenly the bus trying to stop from a fast speed made him fall forward on his seat. Everything happened so fast. Due to the rain, the bus couldn't stop fully but started sliding sideways tilting until it fell over. As a result of the impact Mark crashed to his window and at the same time, other people from the other side of the bus aisle fell on top of him. He was pressed against the window whilst hearing it crack.

The bus fallen over was still sliding until it collided with the barrier of the bridge, with force enough to break the barrier. The second impact made Mark hit his head on the window harder. He was dizzy and tasted blood but couldn't move. He felt the window under him crack open from all the weight. He tried to cover his face with his hands but his hands were stuck, so his face was pressed against the mix of shattered glass and asphalt. At the same time with the corner of his eyes, he saw the bus cracking in half few meters from him, other half falling down from the edge of the bridge. The rest of the bus was still slightly sliding towards the edge. People got scared and panicked. They ran from the edge towards the back of the bus. Due to panic, they fought each other while doing so. Unfortunately for Mark, he was at the bottom of the chaos so he was stepped on.

He saw the edge coming nearer but didn't fight it. Maybe he was too much in shock, too much in pain... But the only thing he could think was if he died now, would Jackson know? Then someone kicked Mark's head. Mark's part of the bus was over the edge. Who would let Jackson know that he's dead?  Gathering ripples of his strength, Mark tried to call out to Jackson but no voice came out from his lips. Mark felt himself beginning to lose consciousness.

It was over. It was really over now. With the last strength, he had left he thought of Jackson's smiling face. _Please be happy.'_ Now he truly was leaving. _Goodbye, my love._

With that the darkness surrounded him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Unconsciously humming, Mark walked down the street. It was a beautiful summer day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming. The day was just perfect. He didn't know if it was just him, but the whole world felt like such a beautiful place. Everything was full of colors and happiness.

He grinned at the random people passing him by. Some of them smiled back, some of them ignored the silly boy. Though Mark didn't really care much, it was a wonder he even had the mind to acknowledge them. Nothing could bring his mood down today.

Mark halted to a stop under a grand cherry tree. Even though it wasn't the season when the cherry blossoms bloomed, it still looked beautiful. Smiling Mark closed his eyes and faced the sky. He let the sunlight dance on his face as a warm summer breeze caressed his skin. This was the place, where he first met Jackson.

It was January or was it March? Jackson stood under the very cherry tree. Cherry blossoms were floating down around him. Making him look like a scene from a movie. A man like that couldn't really exist in this dull world. Ever since then Jackson had brought color and excitement into Mark's world.

He smiled at the memory. At the time, Mark didn't know he would come to care about the man so deeply. He didn't know it was possible for a person to feel so strongly about anyone.

Being a coward, Mark had kept quiet for so many years. He had quietly hoped that if he loved Jackson hard enough, Jackson would have understood or heard the plea of his heart without him needing to voice it out loud. Saving him from the confrontation and the consequences that came with it. How silly of him.

Mark had stayed silently by Jackson's side through his ups and downs. Through his many breakups and makeups. Yes, Jackson has had many relationships. After all, the best things about Jackson was his big heart and his kindness. Those were also his biggest weaknesses. Because of it, he would fall in love easily and also got hurt just as easily. It broke Mark's heart every single time, to see Jackson in so much pain someone had caused him. Again and again.

Not one of Jackson's relationships had lasted more than a few months. Jackson deserved better than that. He deserved someone who would cherish him. Someone who would make him happy. Mark wasn't deluded as to think he was worthy of Jackson. But this he was sure of. He would never hurt Jackson and he would give Jackson all of him. He would treasure Jackson with all his heart for he knows Jackson's worth. He would never take Jackson for granted. So he had decided. Today was the day. Today was the day he would tell Jackson everything.

Mark grinned at the thought and opened his eyes. This morning Jackson had called him over to his house. Jackson had sounded happy. He had told Mark, that he had something important to tell Mark. Something he had been keeping as a secret from Mark for a while now. Mark wondered what it could be. Happily, Mark continued his way toward Jackson’s house.

Mark doesn't expect Jackson to feel the same way about him. For now, he was satisfied with the fact that when Jackson felt down or lonely it was Mark he searched for. Mark was happy with how they currently were. He was happy every time they met. Every time they touched. All he needed was for Jackson to know how he felt. It was suffocating not be able to express how he truly felt.

It felt like deception. It felt like he was deceiving Jackson somehow. He needed Jackson to know that every single innocent thing they did meant so much more to Mark. Every single time they touched, it wasn't that innocent to Mark. Mark's affection towards Jackson wasn't innocent whatsoever. He always felt guilty by not being who Jackson thought he was. He felt like he was tainting their innocent friendship. And it needed to stop. He was done with deceiving Jackson and done with deceiving himself. Jackson needed to know regardless the feelings being mutual or not. He needed to know. It was only fair.

The closer Mark got to Jackson’s house, the more nervous he started to feel. All the confidence from before were vanishing and replaced with doubt. Was it really the right thing to do? Was it really fair for Jackson? Did he really do this for Jackson’s sake? Or was he really doing this for himself?

Because the matter of the fact was, deep down inside he did harbor a tiny hope, that with some sort of miracle, Jackson would share his feelings. Maybe all these years he wasn’t alone with this. Maybe that was the reason Jackson’s relationships never worked. He never could understand, how some could leave Jackson. Jackson was the most lovable person he has ever had the pleasure to encounter. Maybe just maybe, all the tiny gestures of affection Jackson spoilt him with, held a deeper meaning? Just maybe they were on the same boat.

With a heart that was trying to beat its way out of his chest, he shakily lifted his finger up to ring the doorbell. He was now consumed with nerves and doubt. Maybe this was a mistake. It felt like his guts were filled with slithering snakes. He felt like he couldn't stand still but at the same time, couldn't move. He was feeling so many mixed feelings, he was confused about what he wanted to do.

He closed his eyes and with all the will he had, he pulled up his determination awake once again. This was it. He took a deep breath and quickly pressed the bell before he could have second thoughts about it.

All he could hear was rush in his ears. He was on the verge of a panic attack. Maybe he could still run for it. He couldn’t stand here on the porch for any second longer. Before he could do anything rash though, the door opened startling him. A smiley Jackson popped from the open door.

"Markie Pooh! You are finally here!" He exclaimed, quickly took Mark’s wrist and excitedly pulled Mark inside the house. "What are you doing there standing so awkwardly? Come in quickly"

Jackson was obviously dying to tell Mark his little secret. Mark grinned, relaxing enormously after seeing Jackson’s lit up face. He quickly closed the door and kicked his shoes off on the way, as Jackson hurriedly pulled him towards the living groom.

Upon arrival, Jackson pushed Mark on the couch and hurriedly sat down beside him. Jackson took both of Mark’s hands in his and stared silently at Mark. Mark looked down at their intertwined fingers and slowly looked up to meet Jackson’s dark eyes. Jackson was smiling happily but didn't say a word, just stared. Which was highly abnormal for Jackson, who loved to talk Mark’s head off. The weirdness of the situation only brought back the anxiety that vanished earlier. Mark blushed, becoming very uncomfortable under such intense scrutinization.

Mark cleared his throat. "Why aren't you saying anything?" Forcing a small smile on his face, hoping to display a carefree appearance, Mark tried to quiet down his crazily beating heart. He felt that if it beat even a tad louder, the whole neighborhood would be able to hear it.

Jackson was silent for a few more seconds before exploding. "I'm just so happy! You don't know how hard it was for me to keep this from you. Every time we met, I just wanted to confess everything. But I didn't want to ruin it by saying it out loud because I still wasn't sure of it…"

Mark had no idea, what Jackson was blabbering about. He stared deep into Jackson’s beaming eyes to search for some answers but found nothing.

"Today, finally, I can tell you everything! I'm sure now. Finally, I can come clean!"

Mark was getting extremely nervous at this point. He really didn't have the slightest clue what it could be. But the little tiny hope buried deep inside his heart was tugging at him. Maybe this was it. Maybe he wasn't in this alone.

Jackson made a little dramatic pause. He took a deep breath and lowered his head closer to Mark’s and looked around as if about to tell Mark a big secret.

Mark giggled at the silly act, it was obvious that it was just the two of them in the house. Jackson leaned closer to whisper "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

Mark dutifully held out his pinkie, also having lowered his head and mimicked Jackson’s whispering, "I pinkie promise".

Jackson intertwined their pinkies and sat straight up. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath before exclaiming "I've fallen in love!”

Jackson carefully opened his eyes to peek at Mark’s face. Mark was completely shocked. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think.

"I think it's real this time. I think this time it's going somewhere. I think this time... She might be the one." Jackson looked at Mark hopefully.

Mark let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. A piece of his heartbreaking in the process. "So who is she?"

Jackson grinned "You know her! You saw her last time. She was the girl that helped me decorate the kitchen"

"Her? Your new friend? The modeling one?"

”Actually, we were dating at that time too... Please don't be mad! This time it was special so I wanted to tell you after I was completely sure about her"

Mark felt like breaking apart. He felt like someone was ripping his heart out. But he still tried to stay strong. He should be happy for Jackson. He flashed Jackson a smile. "I’m jealous you snatched her all to yourself. She was so pretty, where am I to find another beauty like her to myself." Mark nudged Jackson’s side playfully ”So, how serious is it?"

Jackson smiled brightly. "She said she wanted me to meet her parents!" He looked so happy.

Mark had to do this. He had to do this for Jackson. So he smiled brightly rivaling Jackson’s smile. "Tell me more about her. Tell me everything" 

Jackson looked even happier, he was now beaming. "Well, I can't believe she's mine. She's so perfect. She could've had any man she wanted but she still somehow fell for me. I'm so happy I could die. Can you believe it we've been together for almost a year now!..."

Mark listened to Jackson smiling and nodding. He tried, he tried to go through with this but he couldn't. Hearing all the things Jackson said about her made Mark realize just how much Jackson loved her. Just how far away from Mark’s reach he really was. And just how ridiculous Mark was a moment ago. He would never fall for Mark. Mark didn't have a chance against someone like her.

Mark couldn't take it anymore. He needed to get out.

Mark quickly pulled Jackson to a tight hug while smiling happily "I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. You deserve this. After all the bad things that happened to you, now finally something so good happened. I’m just so happy, you know” Mark pulled away slightly to look at the face he held so dear.

"M-Mark" Jackson smiled fondly "Thank you... I'm so happy that I could share this with you. You've always helped me through everything. You know... you mean a lot to me, right? So just whenever you are down let me help you like you helped me."

Mark needed to get out now.

"Me? Down? Do you even know me?" he faked a laugh hitting Jackson playfully on the arm.

Mark pulled apart from Jackson completely. "Jackson, I just remembered, I have to be somewhere." He quickly stood up from the couch and gave Jackson a little smile "Congratulations once more!" He rushed to the door, glanced back once more at Jackson sitting dumbfounded on the couch. And then stepped outside.

"Mark? See you tomorrow okay!"

"Okay," Mark smiled before closing the door behind.    

Tears started rolling down his face. He began to walk aimlessly. He needed to get away from that place. Anywhere was fine, just had to get far away from here. He sped up and without knowing, he was already running, tears rolling down freely on his face.

How could he be so stupid? Of course, Jackson had been a lot happier lately why didn't he suspect anything? Why was he even crying for something like this? This wasn’t the first time Jackson was dating someone. Why was he affected so strongly?

Mark pulled to a halt at the nearby park feeling like he couldn't run anymore and slumped down on a random bench near him. He sniffled. He was so pathetic! How could he have gotten his hopes up all by himself and now get hurt all by himself? It felt like he had just broken up from a relationship that he created all by himself in his own head... Truly stupid.

Feeling cold, he glanced down at his feet. What Mark saw made him laugh bitterly. God, he was so useless, he even forgot to put his shoes on.

 

 

\------------------------------------

 

 

Mark stirred a bit. There was a banging in his head. He felt disorientated. All he could see was darkness. Where was he? He could smell smoke. It was thick and it made him feel sick. It smelled like a mix of gasoline and something burning. He felt nausea creeping in. He thinks he was lying on something that swayed? It made him feel motion sickness.

"…-ey!..."

What was that sound? He tried to listen carefully to hear it again. He heard a lot of noises but it felt like it was all muffled by something.

"Hey!"

This time Mark heard it clearly. He tried to answer the deep voice but couldn't remember how.

"Hey, can you hear me?"

Mark managed to let out a strangled sound.

"Can you hear me? Try to move if you can!"

Mark tried to move but I couldn't figure out how. He focused with all his might to do something. Anything. His body felt heavy.

Out of nowhere he suddenly saw a blink of blurry mess till his heavy lids closed again. With much difficulty, he opened his heavy lids again. Slowly his vision cleared up. And he could focus.

The first thing Mark noticed was that he was floating in the air. The second thing was that he was floating above a deep gulch. He wondered why he was there for a while, mesmerized by the beautiful view of the deep gulch. He felt serene floating above it. He enjoyed the small breeze that played with his hair. He must be dead, mustn't he?

"Hey wake up!"

Mark looked at the direction of the voice that woke him up. He was looking at a young man. The man had little scratches and dirt all over his body, his clothes were mildly torn. He was a few meters away from Mark, crouching down so he was closer to my Mark’s level. It looked like he was trying to reach towards Mark but Mark was too far away for him to reach. And something about the way the man positioned himself told Mark that the man was for some reason fearing to come closer to Mark.

Mark looked at the man confusedly. Was the man dead too? Why did he look so worn if he was?  The man looked surprised as he noticed that Mark had opened his eyes and was now staring at him with an unreadable expression.

That only lasted for a mere second, after the initial shock and what flashed through his face that Mark assume was relief, he quickly composed his face again. "Are you okay? Can you feel your limbs?"

Mark furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion. Why was the man asking him that? Wondering what was going on, Mark observed his surroundings more carefully.

First, he was confused at what he saw when suddenly it all clicked. Mark wasn't dead. Oh no. He was pretty much alive. Now he knew where he was. Mark wasn't floating on air like he had initially thought. He was, in fact, lying on the broken window of the bus. His half of the bus must've continued sliding towards the cliff as he passed out, the part of the bus where he was lying on had slid over the cliff. The only thing that kept Mark from free falling down the deep gulch, was a little part that connected his side of the bus to the part of the bus that was securely on the ground.

Suddenly the deep gulch didn't seem that beautiful anymore, the serene feeling was now long gone. How ironic. When he thought he was dead he welcomed it feeling serene and calm, feeling that it was an escape from all the sadness and exhaustion. But now that Mark knew he was alive, he could feel how his heart pumped adrenaline into his blood system, he could feel fear creeping in, and he could feel the strong sense of wanting to live take control. Mark felt his whole body stiffening with panic and mind cloud with fear.

"Hey!" The man’s voice brought Mark back from the depths of his fear. "Hey! Look at me!"

Mark shakily turned to look at him.

"Good. Now, this is extremely important. Listen to me carefully. Do as I say and remain as calm as possible. "

Mark nodded weakly. The man gave Mark a reassuring nod.

"Now I want you to as carefully as you can, crawl towards me." The man had this very determined look on his face like he had some important mission he had to complete.

Listening to his words, Mark tried to move only to feel a sharp pain shoot through his body. There were different kinds of pain all over his body. Ignoring the pain as much as he could, he shakily rose from his lying position to a crawling one, still keeping his eyes locked with the stranger's, focusing on the stranger, keeping his head as clear from the pain and the current situation as he could.

"Good. Now, crawl towards me. Don't be afraid. Focus on me, look only at me" The stranger stretched both of his hands out towards Mark. "Come, it's alright. I'll catch you. Trust me"

Mark looked deep into his determined eyes, finding new strength to overcome fear. Mark nodded weakly and shakily dragged his body forward using his arms, right forearm then left, in no time he noticed he was crawling towards the stranger, slowly but determinedly.

When Mark could almost reach the stranger’s hands, the unstable bus wall that he was crawling on suddenly begun to sway even more dangerously. It started to lean downwards like it was going to snap at any moment and free fall down the gulch with Mark on it. It couldn't take Mark’s weight any longer. Mark stiffened at the realization and looked at the stranger with a growing panic in his eyes. The young man had noticed it too, his eyes filled with a mix of worry and fear.

"Jump! Jump now! I'll catch you! Just jump!"

Trusting the stranger’s words, Mark took a deep breath, closed his eyes tightly, gathered his strength and jumped.

Every muscle in his body protested the action with an unbearable pain. For a second it felt like everything slowed down. Mark could hear the bus snap in two just before he jumped. He could feel a sharp stinging sensation as the cold wind caressed his probably damaged face. Above all, Mark could feel his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. It felt like, for a short while, that Mark was flying.

Until he felt a strong pair of arms catch him. Mark probably used too much force when he jumped because he felt how the stranger stumbled backward on the ground as he caught Mark. The young man then sits back up, carefully gathering Mark in his arms.

Mark smiled and opened his eyes. At close distance, the stranger looked even more handsome with twin moles above his left eye. Mark found the tiny detail fascinating in his state of exhaustion.

"I knew you'd catch me"

The stranger looked surprised at the sound of Mark’s raspy voice. The young man smiled warmly. It was mesmerizing. It looked like he radiated some sort of light to his otherwise dark surroundings with his smile. He carefully touched Mark’s forehead, arranging Mark’s sticky hair off his face.

"Don't worry... You are safe now." The stranger looked at Mark with care in his eyes "Just try to stay awake until help arrives. Do not fall asleep. Stay with me. You have lost a lot of blood..."

Mark only smiled at him, feeling how heavy his eyelids had become. The deep soothing sound of the stranger's voice becoming only a distant murmur. Slowly his eyes closed. Mark shuddered feeling cold. He nestled against the stranger to feel warmer. He felt the stranger inspecting something on his forehead, before shaking Mark by his shoulders. Mark could no longer feel the unbearable pain. Now all he felt was tiredness and numbness. Mark vaguely felt his own lips moving to saying something that he didn’t have the mind to care about before he drifted back into the welcoming darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And cue in the mysterious stranger! Though I think all of you already know who he is... Very predictable I know xD
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!   
> Thank you everyone for leaving kudos, bookmarking and commenting! You guys made my day and gave me motivation to write :D


	3. Chapter 3

Could life get any better than this? Jackson really couldn't imagine. The feeling of waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the whole world was a bliss. The feeling of remembering that he was on his honeymoon with the said woman was surreal. She was still sleeping, clueless to the happenings around her. Her breathing was even and calm. She looked so serene and with the small rays of sunlight illuminating her face, she almost looked like an angel. The sunlight surrounded her head like a halo. She was sleeping on her side with both hands under her head, facing Jackson. It was adorable how even in her unconscious state, she was still aware of where he was.

Jackson turned fully to his side to look at his newly wed wife closer. He couldn't help himself but caress the soft skin of her arm up till her shoulder, where he started drawing mindless patterns. Her skin was soft and warm. It was familiar. It was safe. He smiled fondly as he watched her breathing in and out slowly through her slightly parted lips. The stray hair on her face drifting with each breath she let out. He brushed the hair behind her ear, so he could see every detail of her fair face better. Her eyelashes were long casting shadows under her eyes. From the slight curve of her nose to her plump lips till her rosy cheeks, she was perfect. She truly was a natural beauty. And she was all his.

He knew he had her at the first meeting. He knew the exact moment when she fell for him. He could feel it. He could see it in her eyes. He could feel it in her touch. He could see it despite her attempts of hiding it. From him or from herself, he wasn't sure.

He himself couldn't pinpoint the exact time he fell for her. Maybe it was gradual, silently accumulating, bit by bit under the radar. Until a moment he just noticed that yeah he was in love with her. That yeah it wouldn't be so bad growing old and gray with her by his side.

She was the classic heroine from a romantic movie and he was just the extra on the background. He was nobody important. Their love story was effortless and simple. Everything just progressed naturally. There were no bumps on the road. No heartbreak before the happy ending. Their love was easy. It was painless and safe. It was all rainbows and no rain. It was perfectly cliché. It was so easy, it would make others jealous.

After 3 years of being together, of being happy, of being in love, they talked about their future together for a long time and decided that, yes it was time, they were ready for it.

 

Jackson can't lie. The first time she brought it up, he was surprised. So surprised that he had immediately declined by saying that it came too suddenly. Even though he should have seen it coming from afar.  
The thing is, he was in no hurry of settling down. To be honest he never even spared a thought about it. It never crossed his mind. Not with her at least.

Marriage was such a big thing. It was huge. It was a lot of commitments and promises. Promises of forever that he's not so sure he could keep. Not, the way his life was at the time. He thought marriage would be a problem of the far far future. Truth to be told he, at the time, thought he would never be able to marry anyone.

Not because he didn't believe in marriage or because he hated the system. Not even because he thought marriage would kill love, no. He was a romantic person, overly so. He wanted everything that came with romance, marriage included. It was just that he didn't think he would ever find anyone he was able to marry. He didn't just want to marry anyone. He wanted to marry a person that had all of his heart. He wanted to marry his true love. Call him naïve or foolish if you want, but he - even though he's been hurt one too many times - still believed in love and happy endings. He just didn't think he would be able to get it himself with the person he wanted.

And then he met his lovable future wife. Slowly but unlikely she cunningly inserted herself in his heart.

They had a lot of fights during the long period that they discussed their future together. He didn't see the need to look that far in the future, why not just enjoy the present. Why change anything at all? But the way she saw it, Jackson didn't love her enough to marry her. That time was the time they struggled the most in their relationship. It was a toxic mixture of Jackson's reluctance and fear and her insecurities. It was almost their downfall as she didn't see the reason to continue their relationship if Jackson didn't love her enough to marry her. Didn't love her enough to spend their future together. Didn't love her enough to be hers.

That made Jackson think. She wasn't completely wrong in that sense. But he did love her. He was sure of his feelings. He didn't plan on loving her. He didn't even think it was possible but it just happened. Surprising him when he finally admitted it to himself.

He had grown used to her. He was used to her being part of his life. Being part of his daily routines. If he had to think of a future without her, he knew he would survive it but it will be lonelier future. And empty future. He knew he wouldn't meet anyone more suited for him as her. They suited together perfectly. They complimented each other so well that sometimes he would wonder if they were made for each other. A future with her would be a safely happy future. There were only pros in marrying her. He couldn't even think of any cons.

So what was really stopping him from doing it? That was something he didn't want to acknowledge consciously. That was something he was not willing to think about.

 

One day, during the period when they suffered, Jackson came home from work to find her kneeling on the floor with tears rolling down her face. She looked so small and heartbroken, like the life had drained out of her. He had ran to hold her against his chest while she was sobbing and clutching his chest. _Why are we even together Jackson?_ She had whispered through her tears _Am I just not good enough for anyone to marry?_

He hated it. Jackson hated it so much. He hated being the reason for her tears. He hated her putting herself down like that. She was perfect in every single way. Anyone would be lucky to marry a women like her. She should know her value. She was worth so much more than what she thought.

_Do you even love me anymore?_

That was like a punch to Jackson's gut. It hurt Jackson so much to see her like this. And that was the moment Jackson decided enough, was enough. It was time to let go of his selfish reasons.

It will be the last time he would be the reason for her tears. It would be the last time she would feel like this. She deserved to be happy. He also deserved to be happy. From this moment on he would do his best to make her as happy as she could be.

He had cupped her face and lifted her face up so he could look her in the eyes. He had wiped her tears away with his thumb as he whispered, _I love you more than I can put into words. You had come to my life in time I needed help and saved me from my demons.  I'm sorry for being an A class asshole. I was afraid of the unknown and was stuck inside my own head. I forgot we were in this together. Thank you for always taking care of me. For always being there for me. I want to return the favor. You would make me the happiest man on earth if you'll let me take care of you from now on._

At this point her eyes were wide open. Surprise and nervousness was evident all over her face. Jackson smiled and caressed her cheek fondly _. Will you marry a fool like me?_

 _Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!_ She exclaimed and surged forward for a kiss wet with her tears of joy.

 _I love you so much. Never doubt that_. He had whispered in the space between them. And it was true. He loved her. What was there not to love about her? She was very easy to love. She was one of the most lovable person he had met. He was lucky to have met her. There was so much he loved about her.

What he loved the most about her was how her nose would scrunch up when she laughed at his stupid jokes.

What left him mesmerized was how she could be so selflessly kind, how she took care of him and knew exactly what he needed before he even knew it himself. She was beautiful inside and out. She was too good to be true. He couldn't believe she could come to accept and love him as she did. He couldn't believe they could end up here the first time they met.

What caught his eye when he first met her through a friend was the little mole amidst of her right lower eyelashes. Reminding him of someone else.

What made him stay was the fact that the more time he spent with her the more similarities he found her sharing with someone she shouldn't.

That should have been a reason enough to stop seeing her but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop touching her, imagining it was another's soft skin. He couldn't stop kissing her lips while wishing it belonged to someone else. He couldn't stop loving another person through her.

That was the real reason he kept her a secret for so long. This thing, he was doing, was not right. It wasn't fair to her. It was wrong. But he couldn't stop. Because in a fleeting moment, when she was smiling the smile that was so painfully familiar, he could pretend he was touching the person he yearned for. Who he had yearned for as long as he remembered. It was selfish. It wasn't right lying to everyone. He was lying even to himself. It was wrong. And someday he would pay for it.

As time passed by and they started to see each other more often, he got confused who he was seeing. The line between her and his secret was getting blurry. He couldn't pinpoint which was characteristic of her. He would bring her to her favorite restaurant, only to realize his mistake later. It wasn't her favorite restaurant, it never was.  
It never was her.

By a miracle, he after a while he started noticing her, for who she was. He started to feel fond of her. And slowly but surely his feelings grew stronger and deeper. And it was perfect. It really was.

So what if she still reminded him of someone.  
So what if he still felt his heart tug in another direction.  
So what if there will always be a special spot for another in his heart.

She was the one that owned most of his heart right now. She was too good for him. And she will never hurt him as he would never intentionally hurt her. She was the one he was married to.

 

Jackson was brought out of his thoughts as she stirred in her sleep. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up to him.  
"Hey, you…" her voice was still laced with sleep. Her eyes were filled to the rim with love.

"Morning" Jackson whispered before leaning down to capture her lips in a loving kiss.

 

Everyone had secrets. And he will carry his till the grave.

 

  
\-------------------------------------------

 

  
Mark fluttered his eyes open, awoken by the beeping sound of a machine. As soon as he could squint his eyes slightly open, he was welcomed by a blinding light. The sound of the beeping quickened. He could feel the familiar pain all over his body, which was now fortunately a little softer. Mark just wanted to squeeze his eyes shut and fall back to the painless sleep again but something told him to stay awake.

After he blinked a couple of times his eyes got used to the brightness and he could see that he was in a white room, on a bed near a window. He was alone in the room, connected to a heart monitor and an IV drip. He must be in a hospital. Where he didn't know but wasn't bothered by it.

Mark breathed out shakily and tried to ignore the pain. This was the first in a long time that he felt rested. He stretched his sore muscles out minding the IV drip, which was a mistake as every movement hurt. He turned his head to his side. There on the bedside table next to his head, was a banquet of flowers.

As he was wondering about the origin of the flowers, a doctor entered the room and was elated to see that he was up. After she made sure he didn't suffer from any memory loss and his cognitive function was still intact, she explained to him how he had been unconscious for almost 2 days due to the loss of blood. There was a gaping wound on his head and he suffered from a severe internal beading, at the time he was admitted to the hospital. He was fortunate to have woken up. The more time he spent unconscious, the higher the risk was of becoming comatose. In addition, there weren't any severe damages on vital organs. He just got deeply bruised and sustained a mild sprain on the left wrist. The doctors had done multiple blood transfusion while he was unconscious and in critical state, so now his only job was to stay hydrated, take prescription painkillers and rest. However, he will have to stay in the hospital for one more day so his condition could be monitored. If everything was normal and no complications arise, he would be free to leave the hospital. But stay in the town to have a control check up after a period of time.

He didn't know what to feel. He mostly felt empty. His memory of the accident was a bit blurry but the doctor had explained that it was normal. It would come back later, though some people will never regain their memory of a traumatic incident. He guessed he was extremely lucky all things considered. He was lucky to still be alive.

After the doctor's tedious examinations, he was free for the rest of the day.  
As expected, he got bored rather quick after a while of lying on the hospital bed and staring at the white ceiling. He hopped down from the bed - the painkillers were doing wonders- and went to the bathroom attached to his room to examine himself from the mirror. He could only grimace.

He looked absolutely hideous. His head was bandaged up, his face was covered with bruises of varying sizes and half of his face was still swollen and scratched up. His right cheek was missing at least a few layers of skin. On the bright side it had started to dry up at the periphery and form yellowy crust around the edges of the raw wound but the center was still bloodily moist. He also sported a black-eye on the right that was almost swollen shut. Thank god his left was in slightly better condition. His eyes got caught in something purplish peaking out from the collar of his hospital gown and decided to pull the whole gown over his head. The sight of his body wasn't any prettier. The bruises traveled down to cover his whole body. Some parts were darker, some where bilirubin yellow and some were sickly green. He looked like a canvas of black and blue flowers. He was trampled alright. He was trampled good. He couldn't even recognize himself from his reflection. He was glad there were no one he knew here to see his condition. His appearance would only worry them in vain. It looked worse than it felt really.

After getting sick and tired of his monstrous reflection, he decided that he deserved some chocolate after surviving a bus accident alive. He walked out of his room to the corridor with some coins in his hand and wandered around looking for a cafeteria.

He hated hospitals. Hated the smell of sterilization. Hated how everything was white and cold.  
All the rooms looked exactly the same. The corridors also, which didn't really help him with his search for the cafeteria. Finally, after what felt like forever he could see his prize at the end of the corridor on the second floor.

He walked inside the cafeteria with a sense of accomplishment, ready to indulge in something sweet. There wasn't much of a variety, as expected from the small town hospital. After contemplating his options for a small eternity -he never was good with decisions-  he decided to go with a cinnamon bun instead of the originally planned chocolate. He paid for his bun and was about to turn around to search for a free table, when he accidentally stumbled on a firm chest, making the person spill half of his coffee on the floor.

"Shit watch where you are going…" The person started irritatingly but halted mid-speech as Mark looked up an apology on the tip of his tongue and their eyes met.

There was something really familiar about the stunned man standing in front of Mark. But Mark couldn't really place where they would have met. Mark took a small step back to create some distance between them and handed the man some napkins.

"I'm so sorry, did it burn you? Can I buy you another coffee?"

The sound of Mark's raspy unused voice, seemed to knock the stranger out of his trance, instead, his face went neutral as he took the napkins from Mark to dry his hands with. To be honest he looked intimidating with his bigger build and intense eyes. The man had a strong presence. If he wanted trouble Mark wasn't sure if he could hold his ground against the man, even though Mark was nowhere near weak himself.

"No need, it's fine."

The answer was assuring, but the way the man furrowed his eyebrows as he replied made Mark feel uneasy about the situation. Mark wasn't one to shy away from difficult situations. He wasn't the skittish type. However, right now, he wasn't in his best shape so instead of the fight, he chose the flight mode.

With a small polite smile that hurt his sore face, Mark nodded and turned towards the exit thinking it was safer eating in his own room so he wouldn't annoy the stranger with his presence any further. Though he didn't have time to walk very far before the man's voice stopped him.

"The least you could do is to sit down and keep me company, don't you think?"

Mark felt wary. Why would the man want to prolong the situation? Even though he wanted to escape the situation at all cost, the more polite side of him made him turn around and walk towards an empty table. He did just knock the coffee on the poor man. And it was the hospital cafeteria, he wouldn't dare beat Mark to a curb in a public place, right? And if he did, at least Mark was already inside the hospital. 

The man followed Mark and sat down opposite of him. Mark waited patiently but the stranger seemed too busy dissecting his face with his eyes. Mark decided to start eating his cinnamon bun, when it was obvious the man made no effort to start a conversation. Soon though, Mark grew impatient under the scrutinization. He never was fond of being the center of attention, especially with someone he didn't know. On top of that, he knew he looked like he had recently been mauled by a bear. The man made him feel very self-conscious with all the ogling. He was very much aware of his grotesque appearance without the penetrating stare traveling all over his face, thank you very much. 

"So are you visiting?" Mark forced out, feeling the need to escape the inspection.

"Yes."

"Someone close?"

"Hopefully in the future."

Mark drew his eyebrows together in confusion but decided to drop it. He didn't want to pry and the man didn't make any effort to elaborate his answer. Judging from the tone the man used, it was clear that it was the end of that subject. So instead of maintaining the conversation, Mark continued to nibble on his bun.

"What are you doing here?"

Mark was in the middle of taking a bite when the man asked the question. Mark looked down at his hospital gown and back up at the man, an eyebrow quirked up as he stated the obvious "I'm a patient here?"

"No, what I meant was what are you doing here in this small town? You don't look like you are from around the area"

"Oh, I'm traveling"

"Traveling? Where are you traveling to?"

"To be honest I'm not sure"

The man gave Mark a questioning look so he tried to explain "I guess it's more of a journey to find myself sort of thing?"

The man nodded in understanding. "Actually I'm on one of those myself."

"What are the chances" Mark mused as he finished the rest of his bun. He felt curious about the reason behind the man's journey. But since he didn't want to reveal his own reasons, he couldn't ask. If the man was even honest.

"So what are your plans for now?"

"If I'm lucky enough, I'll get released tomorrow and then I go where my feet take me"

The man was looking at Mark with an unreadable expression on his face. There was something in the man's eyes that was unsettling. The man's gaze then fell down on Mark's empty plate and Mark's fumbling fingers with a thoughtful expression on his face. Suddenly as if he just decided on something, he reached inside his black leather jacket and fetched out a pen. The man started scribbling down something on one of the napkins Mark had handed him.

Mark feeling quite confused, tried to peek at what the man was scribbling but couldn't since the man blocked his view with the other hand that was not writing. Feeling left out, Mark wondered if this was a discrete way of hinting that the man wanted to be left alone.

"What's your name?" The man's deep voice interrupted Mark's train thoughts.

"Mark"

"Well Mark, I guess I'll see you around," The man retorted a bit teasingly whilst handing Mark the napkin. Their fingers brushed, making Mark jerk his hand back as if burned. With that the man stood up, spared Mark a hint of a smirk before he confidently walked out of the cafeteria, leaving Mark alone on the table dumbfounded.

Mark had no slightest clue about what just happened. The guy was cocky and overconfident with his pierced ears and a dangerous air around him. Mark didn't have enough brain power to process this, if it even was something worth processing over. Probably not. Mark felt so astonished by the whole situation, he even forgot to ask for the man's name.

He looked down at the small scribble on the napkin in his hand.

  
  
_“If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there”_  
_― George Harrison_

 

Under that, there was a phone number and a name.

Im Jaebum.

 

That night Mark dreamed of twin moles and warm arms catching him. He dreamed of assuring voices and feeling safe. He dreamed of flying.

For the first time since forever, Mark's dreams didn't consist of Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter but it will have to do xD  
> I also changed the title because I felt like this title fitted this fic better than Thank you for existing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for kudos, comments and subscriptions. Thank you for the incredible 1092 hits!
> 
> Mark is a bit childish in this chapter but bear with me...  
> Happy readings! :D

Mark was at a random town in a book store flipping through pages of some novel to kill time.

 

It's been a few weeks from when he was released from the hospital. He was lucky his wallet and his phone were in the pocket of his jacket or else he would have had to say goodbye to them too like he had to the rest of his belongings.

 

After he was released from the hospital he had to go buy new belongings to continue his destinationless journey. New bag, new clothes, new toothbrush, new everything. Then he left town with a random bus. He didn't really care where he was going. He just had to stay moving. Had to do something so he didn't have too much time for his thoughts.

 

The novel seemed boring. He put the novel back to the shelf and randomly picked another one. He still had a bit over an hour to waste. He sighed. This novel was also boring.

 

He thought that since he spent most of his time on public transportation, he could at least use the time he was sitting to read something to improve himself or give himself a new way of thinking. Books tend to do that, or so he thought. He never was an avid reader himself. Never picked up a book in leisure, just for fun. The last time he even read anything was when he was doing his financial degree.

 

Jinyoung, his friend would always preach him about reading books. How he should pick one up to walk into a new world. How he's missing out on so much by not doing so. _Open up your mind!_ He would say. One of Jinyoung's most overused catch phrases was, _what you read in your free time is who you really are so pick up something anything, so you won't end up being nothing_.  But Mark really couldn't trust him at all. Jinyoung was literary major after all. That was what he _was_ supposed to say.

 

Either way, he gave it a go. He was finding himself after all. He would focus solely on himself and forget about everything else. So books seemed like a part of that quest.

 

Though which books, he wasn't sure. There were too many books to choose from.  Jinyoung did always recommend some books that were a-must-read. However, there were too many books Jinyoung raved about. And it happened so often, that Mark, most often than not, found himself zoning out as soon as he even heard a word book. Now it had gone and bitten him in the ass as he was looking through endless amounts of books to find one that could hold his attention for at least a solid 10 minutes. Which was a mission on its own, since Mark had an attention span of a-gold-fish. Jinyoung should be proud, Mark even stepped inside the stingy old book store all on his own free will. That's character development right there.

 

He read the back cover of Stephenie Meyer's new book 'The Chemist'. Well, it didn't seem that bad. But Mark doubt this was the kind of book Jinyoung would approve of. A young adult romance roman. Well, Mark did need a little romance in his non-existent love-life. And the heroine of the book seemed to be on a run from some bad guys like he was. Very relatable. Though Mark was running away from his feelings but who cares about details anyway. He decided to keep the book just in case he won't find anything better.

 

He also carelessly picked another dark looking book without even sparing a glance at the title and walked away from the best sellers to a random shelf to pick out a random book. But someone else - whose presence Mark had ignored, too occupied by his own thoughts- also reached out for the same book at the same time. As a result their hands briefly brushed against each other electrocuting both of them in the process, making them both jerk back.

 

"You.." Mark's eyes widened in shock as he stared at the equally surprised boy, who hid his surprise almost immediately after.

 

Jaebum looked so different, Mark almost couldn't recognize him. Almost, if not for the twin moles above his left eye. Jaebum looked so soft. His black straight hair was down and unstyled unlike the up-styled sleek hairdo Mark associated with the guy. He wore a comfortable big red hoodie with a severely ripped black jeans instead of the leather jacket and the black shirt he wore the last time. He was also free of his earrings and rings. The scratches on his face, no doubt from fighting, were now gone too. Now Jaebum looked like a complete opposite of the guy with hard edges Mark met few weeks ago. The difference between then and now was so vast mark couldn’t believe they were a same person.

 

"Fancy seeing you here" Jaebum smirked at Mark before he glanced down at Mark's hands where he was holding 2 books against his chest. "The chemist and…" Jaebum tilted his head slightly to the side so he could read the other book's title better. He cocked his eyebrow up in surprise, "50 shades of Grey?"

 

Mark sputtered and immediately turned to the books in his hands only to find out that yes he was holding an adult romance erotica in his hands. He felt himself flush. He really should read book titles before carrying anything in his hands. Mark groaned and looked up at a very amused Jaebum. "That was a mistake… I don't know how it got in my hands…" Mark mumbled wishing he was anywhere else but here in this small old bookstore.

 

"Not judging you or anything." Jaebum raised both of his hands as if to surrender. "Enjoy it, I guess," He said with a grin.

 

A grin! Mark really couldn't believe he was intimidated by this guy the last time they met. Now he just felt a slight annoyance towards the guy and that had nothing to do with the embarrassment he was feeling. Or so he told himself.

 

"Then what about you? You were about to take" Mark looked back up at the book they both were going for " _Who_ _Ordered This Truckload of Dung?_ What kind of book is _that_?" Mark asked, eyes filled with confusion when he looked back at the much taller male.

 

"You were about to pick it too and you don't even know what it's about?" Jaebum asked bemusedly. Amusement must be Jaebum's constant state of mind or he just enjoyed seeing Mark struggle, he thought grudgingly.

 

"I thought the title was interesting" Mark lied through his teeth. He didn't even read the title, he was more drawn to the red cover of the book. He shifted his eyes from the overly amused male to the clock behind the male's head and gasped. How had time have flown by so fast? He had about half an hour left anymore and he still had to go by the store to buy something to eat.

 

"You know what, it was nice to meet you again! Sorry but I have to run" Mark said hurriedly with a polite apologetic smile watching Jaebum's smug lopsided grin melt from his face. Jaebum's mouth opened as if to say something but before he could, Mark already bristly walked to the counter to pay for his book -but not before he got rid of the offending erotica like it was some contagious disease he was afraid to catch- and hurriedly exited the store without sparing a glance behind.

 

Mark almost ran to the nearby shop and took his time buying snacks enough to feed a small kindergarten before speed walked to the bus stop meant for long distance buses. He checked his wristwatch. It was 10 minutes till the bus had to depart. He was in time for once.

 

The bus arrived at the bus stop soon after and the driver helped the passengers put their luggage to the storage place at the side of the bus. Mark gave him his, showed his ticket and climbed on the bus with his back bag. There were no designated seats on the ticket, so he just sat down on a window seat towards the back of the bus. He put his back bag down at his feet and plucked his charger in the pluck under the armrest to charge his iPhone. He leaned back on his seat to make himself more comfortable.

 

Mark lowered his snapback down to cover his bruised face and didn't pay any mind to the person that sat down next to him, too focused on his phone. Jackson had updated his Instagram with a few new pictures. One was a landscape of a sunny ocean and a small brown cottage on top of the blue water. The picture was uploaded with a caption of stay warm and be careful to not catch a cold. Maldives sure was a nice place for a honeymoon. Another picture was a selca of Jackson. Jackson was smiling so bright in the picture, it made him look like a happy little puppy. The unaware new wife could be seen to be sunbathing on the top right corner of the picture. It was captioned with a heart. Mark smiled looking at every detail of Jackson's sunny face and let his eyes drift lower to the naked muscular chest where the picture was cut just above his nipples.

 

He was filled with a familiar warmth at the sight of Jackson's warm eyes. He really did miss Jackson.

 

Mark touched Jackson's cheek on the picture with a soft smile. Then wrote a comment on the picture with a simple lol and double tapped both pics. He contemplated on whether to take a screenshot to save the selfie on his phone or not before deciding against it and went on YouTube.

 

Mark was out within half an hour after the bus started moving. When Mark woke up, he noticed he had fallen asleep against a shoulder of the person next to him. And on top of that, he could feel his drool rolling down his jaw. As discretely as possible, Mark slowly sat up straight while stretching his sore limbs while secretly wiped his drool with a sleeve of his over-sized hoodie. He leaned against the window and tried to unnoticeably peek at the poor passenger sitting next to him to check the condition of his shoulder.

 

Thank god the guy's shoulder looked dry without any drool stains. Mark's eyes traveled lower, the guy was holding an open book in his hand. Maybe he was too busy reading to notice Mark even leaning on him. He highly doubt it.

 

Though something about the red sleeve covering the guy's wrist was unsettlingly familiar making alarms ring inside Mark's head. It couldn't be. Mark's eyes darted up.

 

It was Im Jaebum. Only he wasn't reading his book. He was looking straight back at Mark. The beginnings of the annoying lopsided grin was already playing on his lips.

 

Mark unconsciously quickly shifted his gaze away from Jaebum's eyes, heart beating like he was caught staring. Which he was. Then he forced his eyes back on Jaebum's, determined not to show how flustered he felt. Before Mark could open his mouth to say something, Jaebum beat him to it.     

 

"If I didn't know any better I would've thought you were a stalker" feigning shock, Jaebum quickly added "Actually I don't know any better," he suspiciously squinted his eyes at Mark and asked carefully "Are you stalking me?"

 

Mark stared at Jaebum for a good 2 minutes mouth gaping open before he regained himself "Me stalking you? _I_ should be the one asking _you_ that question, are you following me?"

 

"Nope, that's pretty much all you"

 

"I sat here before you!" Mark exclaimed incredulously.

 

"A stalker and in denial about it… Gosh, I should be scared, shouldn't I?"

 

"Unbelievable…" Mark mumbled shaking his head trying to hold back a smile, that was already twitching at the corners of his lips. Jaebum was ridiculous.

 

Jaebum seemed satisfied and closed his book after marking the page he was on with a bookmark.

 

"You know if you wanted to meet me that much, you could've just called instead of stalking" Jaebum's voice was light as if he was just joking without any hint of accusation in his voice nor eyes.

 

Now Mark was feeling kind of bad. The Jaebum sitting before him looked like a nice guy. If this Jaebum would have been the one to give him the number instead of the Jaebum he met few weeks ago, he would have had a higher percentage to be inclined to text instead of keeping the crumbled up napkin on the bottom of his luggage. Without the quote, he would have trashed the napkin in the first trash-bin he would have seen. This Jaebum, seemed like a fun guy to keep around.

 

"Why did you give me your number?" Mark asked instead of answering.

 

Jaebum seemed unfazed by the question. "Why didn't you call?"

 

"I asked first"

 

"I'll tell you, after your answer"

 

Mark felt like this was becoming a habit. This back and forth ball throwing of a words happening between him and Jaebum. It would be great if not for the feeling of not having the upper hand like he had with Jackson.

 

With Jaebum, it felt like Jaebum had all the control of the situation. Jackson was never like this. He would always answer whatever questions Mark asked him. Though more times than not it was Jackson asking the questions. Sometimes the questions were so dumb to the point of Mark not giving the questions any value by answering them. He would ignore them and Jackson would whine cutely how he was being mean. Jackson really was adorable little ball of fluff. Even with his annoying tendencies.

 

"Fine" Mark sagged against the window, still holding Jaebum's gaze "I was kind of intimidated by you the first time we met…" his eyes drifted to the side while he tried to keep himself from laughing at the incredulous thought he had back then, "I thought you were a gangster"

 

"A gangster?" Jaebum repeated flabbergasted.

 

"Well, you had the presence! And it didn't help that you looked a bit beaten up as well…"

 

 _"I_ looked beaten up? _"_

 

Mark ignored Jaebum and continued, "I didn't want to call you cause I couldn't figure out what a gangster would've want from me" Mark shook his head at his stupidity. "Actually I didn't really contemplated on it that long, thought it was best to stay away from trouble. And I thought you looked like trouble" Mark confessed guiltily. "Sorry shouldn't have assumed." Mark gave Jaebum a small smile.

 

"Interesting" Jaebum didn't seemed to have taken any offence.

 

"So why did you give me your number?" Mark asked curiously.

 

"You seemed like you needed a friend" Jaebum shrugged, "I thought I could help"

 

"Oh, now I feel bad. I'm sorry I can be prejudiced sometimes."

 

"Don't be, it's refreshing to talk with someone as honest and straightforward as you"

 

"I can't figure out if you are being sarcastic or sincere," Mark replied as he squinted his eyes skeptically at Jaebum.

 

Jaebum burst out in laughter. The laugh so infectious that it left Mark feeling giddy inside with a wide smile. "Trust me I'm being sincere" Jaebum managed as he was catching his breath "Honest people are surprisingly hard to come by now days"

 

"Oh?"

 

"It just feels like no one speaks their minds anymore. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me are faking it to gain something from others" Jaebum shrugged "You don't seem like the type"

 

"I don't seem fake? You don't even know me, how would you know?"

 

"I'm good at reading people" Jaebum smiled "I could use a honest person in my life"

 

"Well, since you practically begged me to be your friend and I feel sorry for your rotten luck in people," Jaebum scoffed at that "as a token of our new friendship, I should share my secret with you" Mark leaned closer to Jaebum and whispered lowly "I have a secret stash"

 

"Secret stash of what?"

 

"Secret stash of snacks" With that Mark dropped a fistful of different kind of candies in Jaebum's lap.

 

"Oh, good. I almost got scared there" Jaebum laughed.

 

"What did you think I had?"

 

"I don't know. Drugs? Knifes? Weapons? Illegal money?"

 

"… It's the hoodie and the snapback, right? Too much?"

 

"No, I think it's the occupational habit I guess. I tend to assume the worst to be safe."

 

Mark slowed down his rummaging for a chocolate bar that he was craving from his pack bag to slowly look at Jaebum's calm face "What do you do?"

 

Jaebum shrugged "I'm in law enforcement"

 

"Oh cool, I expected something worse. Well, mister policeman I hope you like strawberry milks" Mark said nonchalantly as he threw the milk at Jaebum, which he caught with ease.

 

"I have a weakness for these… I should be careful of you, you found my one and only weakness within the third time we've met. Who knows what else you are capable of?"

 

"Who do you think you are? Superman? So strawberry milk is your kryptonite?" Mark asked amusedly.

 

"Exactly." Jaebum then looked down at his lap at the vast variety of different candies and a few mini bags of chips that Mark had thrown in his lap as an afterthought. "Is your back just full of snacks?"

 

Mark paused his chewing and looked at Jaebum pointedly "Yes? Problem?"

 

Jaebum only laughed heartily "No, not at all, mister candy man"

 

"Good, you almost lost your right to eat these deliciousness"

 

Jaebum could only shake his head in amusement and continued to drink his strawberry milkshake.

 

The two boys talked through the long bus drive to a next city. Both of them were too busy getting to know each other to notice the sun going down and the passage of time. They didn't talk nonstop the whole ride, though. But even the silences shared between them were comfortable.

 

Never had Mark felt so at ease with a barely known acquaintance before. Slowly he felt excitement beginning to bubble in his guts, which comes with getting to know a new person. The smile on his lips felt carefree and sincere. Just for a little while he felt like he could pretend he was just a normal happy person sitting next to a new acquaintance. Making small talk and enjoying his time. A normal person without any care in the world. A normal person not desperately, hopelessly still in love with his best friend despite the heart break. Still in love with his _male_ best friend who just got _married_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erm Hi! I'm alive... This story isn't dead xD I just got caught up with exams and vacation... I will start updating regularly on September but for now, it will still be irregular...   
> In previous chapters, I couldn't decide on Jackson's wife's name nor where Mark was traveling... I couldn't believe I got this far without mentioning anything xD So a few weeks ago I traveled to Portugal and decided to take Mark with me...
> 
> Oh, right! WARNING! There is a bit of a lame smut ahead so if you aren't into smut you can just skip it and start reading from the part I've marked with dashes. It doesn't affect the story line ;D  
> And those who are going to read it... I promise I can write better smut than that! I couldn't get myself into the mood for some reason xD so in the future there will be much better smut ahead!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter too ^^

Mark let out a shuddered breath when he felt warm fingers travel up his naked bent thighs. He was lying on his back, his head propped up on the pillows. The fingers mapped the expense of his smooth skin, ignoring the region needing the most attention, making him squirm. Mark was already throbbing and his length was hot and heavy against his stomach.

 

The fingers traveled down his thighs once more and squeezed the soft flesh. With the tight grip on his thigh, Mark was dragged on the bed until he felt the back of his thigh hit against hard muscular ones. Mark felt his legs being lifted up even more and spread wide open before there was a wet tip of a cock circling his twitching entrance. He felt himself involuntarily clenching on air upon the touch. His length twitched and weakly leaked on his stomach at the sensation.

 

Mark was panting as he felt excitement bubbling in his stomach. His mind couldn't catch up with what was happening fast enough. He was overwhelmed with want. He needed it so much he was shivering. He felt so strung up, so tense.

 

His mind was still reeling on how good he was prepared and he wanted something more fulfilling than fingers. When the rock hard length circling his rim, entered him.  He tensed up like a vice but it didn’t stop the length going past the ring of muscles and slowly all the way in.

 

Mark let out a low groan. He was so full. So fucking full. And the stretch. The stretch was delicious. It felt so good being filled almost over his limit. He loved the burn. He loved the pain. The pain made it feel real. But it was on the border of being too much. The cock was fucking huge.

 

Mark turned to bury his head into the pillows. His fisted the sheets to take it better. All he could do was to whimper. There were shivers traveling his back. He was still so tense and rapidly constricting as if to expel the foreign object in his ass.

 

Not much after being all the way in, the burning hot length started moving slowly in and out. It was shallow at first but not much later the pace grew faster and thrusts were deeper. The pleasure kept on building in time with the rhythm until Mark was reduced to a state where his mind shut down. His mind couldn't wrap around anything else except for more.

 

Mark moaned in time with the thrusts. Especially when it felt so good. Every time the length went in, it grazed Mark's prostate, making Mark see stars. Mark was trembling. He was shivering. He didn't know what to do with himself. He felt like he needed to bite, to scratch, to do something, anything to ground himself. The pleasure was almost too much. Too much to handle.

 

Suddenly there was a change in pace. The cock slowed down and pulled out completely, so only the head was touching the abused puckering entrance, before slamming back deep inside, nailing Mark's prostate dead on. Mark's lips parted in a silent scream. Mark couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't make a sound. It was that good. It was a pure hot white pleasure.

 

This was repeated over and over again. It was too much. It was too deep. It was too good. Mark was writhing, on the mercy of the abuser of his ass. He threw his head to the side to bite the pillow he was resting his head on. Too soon Mark found himself coming untouched.

 

Mark was still catching his breath when there was a hand cupping his jaw and guiding his head away from the pillows. There were soft lips against Mark's parted ones. The kiss was gentle and borderline loving, making Mark shudder. With the last lick on Mark's bottom lip, the warm pressure was gone.

 

Mark fluttered his eyes open.

 

Jackson was looking at him fondly. Eyes gazing over Mark's face before he dropped his head down to press his lips softly against Mark's. Their lips locked together perfectly and they moved against each other slowly and gently. It was intimate. Too soon Jackson ended the kiss but remained in close proximity. Mark could feel Jackson's breath puffing against his lips. There was a string of saliva connecting their lips, not like either of them noticed. Jackson nuzzled his nose against Mark's affectionately before he pecked Mark's swollen lips softly.

 

Mark let out a sigh of content.

 

"I…" Jackson's lips brushed against Mark with each whisper he voiced into the silent room. "love.. you"

 

Mark's breath hitched as his stomach lunged and tingles spread from his fingers and toes to the whole expanse of his body. His body seized up in shock, making him constrict in the process and feel how thick Jackson still was inside him before he surged up and claimed Jackson's lips in a deep kiss. At the same time, he reached out to hold Jackson even closer to his body even though it wasn't physically possible to be closer than they already were.

 

He had to feel Jackson close. He had to reassure himself that this was real. That this was happening.

 

The kiss turned desperate pretty soon as Mark felt panic rising with the fear of losing the moment. Jackson chuckled and slowed the kiss down. "Shh.. Baby, I'm here with you" Jackson murmured against Mark's lips. "I'll be here for you"

 

Mark closed his eyes and let out a sigh. Jackson reached up and gently stroked his cheek as he began to move again but kept the rhythm impossibly slow and went incredibly deep. "I'm not going anywhere" The words combined with the way Jackson moved made Mark quiver.

 

Mark feeling calmer nuzzled his cheek against Jackson's hand and leaving an open mouthed kiss on the palm of Jackson's hand. "I got you," Jackson said, voice airy.

 

Mark fluttered his eyes open and whispered "Promise?"

 

Jackson's eyes normally filled with thousand emotions at once, now only filled with one as he looked down at Mark.

 

Love.

 

"I promise," A soft kiss.

 

"I"  Kiss

 

"Love" Kiss

 

"you" a lick on Mark's bottom lip before Jackson's lips were on Mark's again like he could never get tired of the taste. Could never get enough of Mark.

 

Mark smiled fondly and ran his fingers up to Jackson's soft hair. He couldn't be happier than he was, right at that moment.

 

Jackson looked at Mark like he was the most precious thing in the world. Mark felt owned and it sent shivers up his spine.

 

"You have no idea how much I love you" Jackson whispered under his breath his voice thick with emotion. "Chloe"

 

Mark snapped his eyes open. He was greeted by a white ceiling. He was panting hard and drenched in sweat. He felt wetness between his legs. _Not this again._

 

Mark groaned out loud in frustration and ruffled his tangled hair. He closed his eyes willing his breathing to calm down. After few minutes of lying down with his eyes closed, instead of feeling calmer he felt irrational irritation sweeping in.

 

 _Oh, fuck this._ Mark kicked the blanket off his body to the floor and marched inside the bathroom feeling like he wanted to destroy something. Anything. He felt disgusted with himself as he stripped on his way. Disgusting. He thought he was done with this phase. It's been weeks without the dreams, which was his own personal record. But he guessed he'll never get rid of them. They will always come back to haunt him.

 

His mind would never let him be. Tangling the only thing he wants the most in front of him as if he will have it before slamming the reality in his face. And he was a fool to believe it yet again. He groaned and kicked an innocent trash-bin out of his way. He was fuming. It felt like everything was in his way.

 

How dare him! How dare Jackson haunt Mark's mind like this. Never letting Mark move on while living his happily ever after with Chloe by his side without a care in the world.

How dare he play with Mark's feelings, making Mark's life like living hell. And Jackson does it _unconsciously_ on top of all that. Unconsciously! The nerve of some people!

What right does he have to live peacefully without a clue in the world, when Mark is suffering all alone. When Mark can barely make it through the day. When all Mark could feel is the unbearable ache. Mark felt so weak and pathetic.

When all Mark is left with at the end of the day is Jackson. All the little things that Jackson did. All the times Jackson touched him. All the times Jackson showed his affection to Mark. Mark was plagued with the thoughts of Jackson, unable to turn his mind off.

How dare Jackson be so ignorant, so innocent, so.. So annoyingly lovable! How dare Jackson be so Jackson.

What right does Jackson has to-to..

 

Mark halted to a stop when caught a glance of himself from the bathroom mirror as he was passing by. He turned to face the mirror fully. Monstrous. How revolting. Who could love a face like that? Mark looked even more horrible as his face was healing. His face was offensive to whoever would look his way.

Monstrous. How revolting. Who could love a face like that? Mark looked even more horrible as his face was healing. His face was offensive to whoever would look his way.

 

He felt the irritation leave him as suddenly as it came. Instead, something else took its place.

 

His face was not the problem here. He could look like a monster or he could look like the most handsome man on earth, Jackson wouldn't care either way.

 

Jackson never was one to care for looks anyway. The bigger problem was Mark's gender. Jackson was easily the straightest guy Mark has ever met. So secure with his sexuality that he wasn't afraid of acting affectionately with his guy friends. And even if Mark was a girl, Mark doubted he could even catch Jackson's eyes. And right now even the gender was no longer an issue... Above all else, Jackson was very loyal. He was blind to everyone else except for the person he was dating, let alone now marrying. 

 

Mark never had a chance and will never have one.

 

Tired of everything, Mark dragged his heavy limbs into the shower.

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

There were good days and then there were bad ones.  And today was a bad day. How bad, Mark didn't know yet. However, as soon as he woke up he felt like shit. He felt completely shattered and blue. He felt alone. So utterly and completely alone. Like no one would care if he were to die or disappear. He had no one. No friends who cared, no lover who loved. He wasn't anyone important to anyone. His existence didn't make a difference in anybody's life. He was easily replaceable and easily forgettable. If he were to disappear one day, no one's life would get disturbed. Everyone would just simply shrug and move on. Life would still continue on. The world would still turn around. Like nothing happened.

After all, there were thousand of people dying every second in the world. He would just be one of them.

 

Though deep inside, the logical part of him was arguing with every single thought he had. Deep down he knew it was bullshit. He had a loving family and caring friends. If he really were to disappear, they would be devastated. But it didn't stop his emotional side to stop harassing his mind. It was a constant struggle to Mark.  He never knew which side of him would win on each day when he had too much time for his thoughts.

 

Today the emotional side won. And he was plagued with thoughts of incompetence.

 

What was he doing with his life? Was this really what he wanted from his life? Is he where he's supposed to be?

 

Mark sighed and stared at the white ceiling. He only just woke up and already felt so exhausted. He couldn't bring himself to do anything after showering, except to just flop down on to the bed and lay there like a starfish. There was a slight pressure inside his head weighing down on his brains. It wasn't a  headache per se but it was uncomfortable.  His limbs felt too heavy to move. His mind too tired to think.

 

Like a blink of an eye, the morning turned into evening, the bright room turned dark, and Mark was still lying on his bed barely registering the time flying by or the light disappearing.

 

Mark felt numb. He hadn't even eaten anything the entire day but on the other hand, he didn't even feel hungry. He just felt extremely tired. So he closed his eyes, snuggled into his blanket and drifted to sleep. Letting the time fly by once again.

 

When he woke up again, it was pitch black in the room so he turned to his other side and squeezed his eyes shut willing sleep to take over again.

 

The next day went by in the same manner. Mark only leaving his bed to go to the toilet.

 

The third day came and Mark woke up feeling nauseous and the headache banging in his head didn't help his current state. He knew what it was. He had gone through this before. His body was protesting the lack of food. He needed food. But he couldn't bother with food. He just felt so exhausted. So he turned to his side and chased after sleep once more.

 

When he woke up again, there was still light outside seeping through the curtains, illuminating the room. And the hunger began to be unbearable. But he still couldn't bother going out of his room to eat. So he called the room service and ordered what the person on the phone recommended to be brought up to his room.

 

The food came and he ate without tasting anything. He ate till he felt full but looking at the plate, he only ate half of the food at most. However, he couldn't be bothered with mundane things like that as he felt drowsiness seeping in. He crawled under the blankets and succumbed to sleep. 

 

The time Mark woke up again, it was dark. He felt a bit better, probably thanks to the little food he ate. Like other times he turned to his side trying to catch some sleep again but he just couldn't.

 

He tossed and turned but he just couldn't sleep anymore. He sighed in frustration. He gave up and kicked the innocent blanket on the floor. Without anything better to do, he went to shower. He scrubbed 3 days worth of dirt of his body and some more. He scrubbed until his skin was squeaky, reddish and a bit tender. He wasted as much time as he could in the bathroom to tire himself out in vain.

 

When he was finally out of the bathroom he didn't feel like sleeping at all anymore. Instead, he felt like the walls were falling on him, the space growing smaller and smaller by the seconds. He eyed the clothes, he had been carelessly tossing on the ground. The food, that was brought up for him, was still sitting on the bedside table. The room was dark and unwelcome. Suddenly it was so cold. The lack of the warmth of the other person becoming evident. It made him feel sick. It was hard to breathe. The room was suddenly so small. Too small. It felt like the room didn't have enough of air to breathe. It was suffocating him. He needed to get out of there.

 

He put on some clean clothes from his luggage and left his room with his wallet, avoiding a mirror on his way out. He really didn't want a reminder of how he looked.

 

Outside, the Street's were decorated with colored strings and the lamps illuminated the city. It was hard to tell whether it was night or day if one didn't look up to the sky. Mark took a deep breathe in. Feeling his mind calming down and becoming numb once more. The people around him were dancing and singing on the street. The music was pounding from the bars outside to the streets. It seemed like everyone was full of life and overly happy, having the time of their lives.

 

Mark walked a while until the noise, the people, and the colors grew too much for him. All the happiness around contrasting greatly with how he was feeling, making his head pound.

He went inside a nearest and quietest bar he noticed on the periphery of his visual field, pushed his way through a mass of people inside the bar to an empty bar stool in the darkest corner at the bar table and ordered 4 shots of tequila. He drank one after the other throwing his head back in the process. He ignored the lemon slices and the salt the bartender had given him for the shots and ordered a beer.

 

The bartender handed over the beer with a smile. Mark took it but when he was handing over the money to pay for the beer the bartender declined by telling him it was on the house with a wink and a wide smile.

 

Mark only shrugged and took a sip of the beer.

 

Why did he go out again? He felt like a sad excuse of a human, drinking all alone in the dark corner of the bar.

 

Without wanting to, his thoughts went to Jackson. Like they always did.

 

How many years had it been? When had his selfless feelings change into something so poisonous? So dark and twisted? When did love become hate? Was it hate he was feeling? Was it even love? Could something like this even be called love?

 

They never had anything. Him and Jackson. Nothing. Jackson only belonged to Mark in the darkest hours of the night in Mark's shameful dreams. Jackson came to his dreams as a savior but also as a torturer. It was a bliss as it was a nightmare.

 

Mark had no right to feel the way he was feeling. It bothered him to no end. He wanted to lash out. To revenge. To hurt Jackson for hurting him. He wanted Jackson to suffer for him. He wanted to dominate Jackson, to isolate him and make him miserable for Mark. Mark wanted to be the source of all Jackson's feelings, be it good or bad. He would take it all. He wanted Jackson to feel bittersweet, to feel what Mark has been feeling. He wanted it to hurt. But at the same time, he knew he didn't.

 

Mark wanted to think of himself as a good person. But how could he when he felt like the worst person alive. He could barely recognize himself anymore. He used to be nice, optimistic and laidback. Rarely caring about anything. Now he's changed for the worst. Now it felt like he only saw the bad in people. He was negative, stubborn, insecure and holding a façade of indifference as a wall. But most of all he was lost and confused. He felt like everything was contradicting with everything. He didn't understand his feelings at all.

 

What currently annoyed him the most was that he was tortured by uncertainty. By what ifs. Even after Jackson got married the little hope inside of Mark didn't die like he thought it would. It did diminish but didn’t die. The hope kept Mark rooted to the spot, unable to move on.

 

How long would this last? Was he destined to live his life like this till the end? So utterly alone? Getting a nameless warm body by his side, never helped. They weren't Jackson. And they would only highlight his loneliness in contrast to the reason he got them in the first place. 

 

He was so tired. If only he could make it all stop.

 

"Well, hello there" A low voice greeted him just behind his ear. Startled Mark, cupped his ear and turned around just to see a tall man dressed in white t-shirt and ripped black jeans leaning over. The man flashed an amused smirk.

 

Mark's face went back to disinterest as he slumped back down on the table.

 

"Oh, it's just you" It felt like a lifetime ago since Mark last met him, when Mark was a different person. Still hopeful towards the future. When in reality it only had been 3 days. 3 impossibly long days.

 

"It's a pleasure to see you again too" Jaebum laughed "Don't you look great today"

 

"Shut it. I'm not in the mood"

 

"I can't allow that," Jaebum said with a shake of his head "You didn't come all the way here, to Portugal, into the heart of festivals, sitting deep inside a bar located at the center of the celebration, just to 'not feel like it.'" Jaebum flashed a smirk "It's Carnaval after all and you happen to be in Lissabon, the main city for the festivities" Jaebum finished with a wink.

 

"Leave me alone." Mark said, voice low "I'm really not in the mood for this"

 

That made Jaebum falter a bit, wiping the smirk off his face. But it didn't make him leave. Instead, he took a seat next to Mark's and ordered something in Portuguese. Then he turned to face Mark and leaned over so he could be heard over the music. "I will do no such thing"

 

Jaebum offered Mark a tender smile, which Mark ignored. He kept his eyes focused straight a head of him, feigning interest in watching the bartender make whatever drinks Jaebum ordered.

 

"So what's the story?"

 

Mark furrowed his eyebrows in irritation. The guy really couldn't take a hint. Despite his better judgment, Mark turned to Jaebum "What story?"

 

"Why are you in such a bad mood? Did something happen?"

 

"I'm not in the bad mood. Just want to be left alone."

 

"You see, I disagree with that."

 

"You can disagree with whatever you want. I don't care"

 

"Well then answer me this, why are you here in this bar?"

 

"Can't you see, I'm here to drown in alcohol" Mark lifted the glass he was holding in his hand, shook it in front of Jaebum's face in emphasis, sloshing the liquid inside, smirked, brought the glass to his lips and continued to pour the rest of the content down his throat, his Adam's apple popping along. A drop of Mark's drink escaped his lips and slowly rolled down towards his chin, which Mark easily cleaned up with a swipe of his tongue. In his haste to think what to order next, Mark failed to notice the burning gaze that zeroed-in on his previous act.

 

Before Mark could order more liquor, the bartender handed over 2 glasses filled to the brim with dark red fluid and 2 pieces of chocolate. Jaebum placed one of the glasses with a piece of chocolate in front of Mark.

 

Mark looked at up at Jaebum and then at the drink again.

 

"It's for you," Jaebum said "It's Ginjinha, a traditional Portuguese drink. It's made from sour cherries. First, you drink it, then eat the chocolate."

 

Jaebum lifted his own glass up in front of Mark.

 

Mark sighed. Never being one to turn down free alcohol, he mimicked Jaebum's movements and clicked their glasses together, before he drank the whole thing in one gulp. Then he ate the chocolate.

 

The taste was something else entirely.

 

Jaebum having done the same, was observing Mark knowingly.

 

"It's good, isn't it," Jaebum said.

 

Mark chose not to reply, instead, he got up from his seat, holding the table in front of him to steady himself. He felt the world spin. He must've had one too many. However he was determined to leave, so he took a step forward only to sway to a side. Jaebum was up in seconds to steady Mark by holding his elbow.

 

"Careful there"

 

Mark swallowed  before he said "Let go"

 

"You know what? Actually, I think that you don't really want me to let go of you, do you?"

 

"Don't care what you think. Get away from me"

 

Jaebum didn't respond, just looked at Mark with an expression Mark really didn't have the mind to decipher. Mark groaned out of frustration. "Can't you get a hint? Let go of me!"

 

"Then why are _you_ holding _my_ arm?"

 

Bewildered Mark looked down. And he really was holding Jaebum's arm. Mark was leaning against Jaebum's chest and holding Jaebum's bicep on the hand that wasn't holding Mark's elbow.

 

Mark scowled. It really was a mistake to go outside that evening. The music was way too loud. People were way too happy. And worst of it all Jaebum was being so irritating that it irked Mark deep into his bones.

Mark pushed off Jaebum so he was standing straight on his own and yanked his elbow from Jaebum's grasp.

 

Mark turned his back to Jaebum and continued to further walk away when his wrist was grabbed. The act stopping Mark on his tract. The irritation within Mark only continued to grow. He felt like he wanted to bite Jaebum's head off.

 

Mark felt his whole body tense up and was ready to turn around and give Jaebum a piece of his mind when he felt warmth against his back as Jaebum was leaning in. Jaebum was closer than he was expecting.

 

"Do you know why I don't believe you 'just want to be left alone'?" Jaebum asked against Mark's right ear. Each puff of warm air against his ear made Mark want to turn his head away to escape the sensation but he stood rooted to the spot.

 

"If you truly wanted to be left alone, you wouldn't be here in the midst of a crowded place surrounded by a horde of people you don't know. Fully knowing that people would want to get closer to you. Oh, that's right you wanted to be drowned in alcohol? The why drown here in a swarm of people instead of doing it alone in your own hotel room?" Jaebum then leaned, even closer so his voice could be heard over the music even without having to speak loud. Mark felt shivers running through his spine.

 

"In fact, I think it's the opposite. You don't want to be left alone." Mark felt his breath hitch "That's why you surround yourself with people. You don't want to be alone."

 

Mark turned to face Jaebum slightly panting, his ears flaming. And heart beating. Never had Mark felt so exposed and bare.

 

"Bullshit" Mark wanted to sound threatening, instead, the words that left his lips came out much softer than he would have liked. Mark really hated the look on Jaebum's face. The look Mark really couldn't read at the moment. His eyes were too soft for Mark's comfort zone.

 

"I'm leaving," Mark said without real intention of leaving. He was still standing in front of Jaebum rooted to his place. Eyes still locked with Jaebum's.

 

The only response he got from Jaebum was the tightening of a grip Jaebum had on Mark's wrist. Though he must've seen the change in Mark's demeanor because Jaebum's face got softer. Without saying a word to Mark, Jaebum pulled Mark behind him when he turned around to order something more from the bar.

 

Soon the bartender handed 2 bottles of water over to Jaebum and Jaebum handed cash in return. He then turned around and started pulling Mark to the other direction. Mark let himself be pulled as he willingly trailed behind Jaebum.  "Let's get out of here," Jaebum said over his shoulder at the silent Mark.

 

Jaebum led them through the sea of dancing people, avoiding flailing hands and legs, never letting go of Mark's wrist. He led them away from the lights and the loud music. Soon the music was only a thrumming on the background.

 

"Mark" Jaebum said softly.

 

Mark looked up upon hearing his name. He didn't notice that they had stopped walking and were now standing on a beach. It was pitch black. The only light was provided from the bars near the shore behind them. The ocean in front was black only reflecting the moon and few tiny stars. The sound of the waves overpowered the thrumming of the music.

 

Mark breathed in deep. Taking in the salty smell of the ocean. The wind was playing with his hair, clearing his head in the process.

 

"Mark"

 

Mark opened his eyes to look at Jaebum, not knowing when he had closed them.

 

Jaebum let go of Mark's wrist. Flopped down to sit on the sand and looked up, straight deep into Mark's eyes. Jaebum's eyes were deep brown and full of swirling emotions. He looked so alive with his hair dancing around his face due to the wind. It made Mark wonder if his own eyes looked dead in comparison?  

 

"Sit down with me?" Jaebum asked breaking the lingering silence between them. 

 

Mark sat down next to Jaebum, leaving a bit of space between them and brought his knees up to his chest to lean his chin to rest on top of them. He turned away from Jaebum's dark eyes to stare at the sea to admire the beauty of it. 

Maybe, just maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo! Thank you for taking your time to read! I had written this like what 3 years ago (?) but never finished so I thought what a better time to finish it than now? xD  
> Please leave constructive criticism and tell me what you thought of this dramatic mess :D


End file.
